IMPOSTER

Before I begin spitting out words, I’d like to clarify that everything I know about the subject is from having discussed it in therapy, I have not studied this and I am not a psychologist, I am speaking purely from my personal experience. Also, I write this from the highest point of the roller coaster of emotions that I am and a bit as a therapy too. Sometimes you have to write what you feel when you’re up to remind yourself when you’re down. So today, I'm talking to you, but I'm also talking to myself.

Fotography by Dew Ariza

I can't seem to remember the first time I felt this way and believe me, I've tried. No matter what I do, I always feel like it's never enough. Since I was little I always got tired very quickly of all the activities my mother signed me up for. Swimming, gymnastics, flamenco lessons... It has always been difficult for me to find my place. I consider myself a very eclectic person, I find everything quite interesting and I always want to try everything. This is sometimes difficult when you arrive at a place where people have been doing something for years and you are the last one to arrive, so you feel like you will never fit in and instead of accepting that no one is born being an expert, you decide to give up.

I have always admired people who have things clear, people who have a passion and focus on something and won't stop until they achieve it. For me, since I like doing many different things, there are many people who ask me: “Girl, how can you do so many different things?” as if it were something positive, when what I feel is: “Girl, you suck, you do a thousand things so you do them all at half throttle, you're not able to focus on something and so, you're never going to be good at anything.” So, when something goes well for me, I tend to think that it was a coincidence or that they are cheating on me, that they are doing it out of pity or that people tell me that they like it because they are people who love me. In other words, when something goes well, it’s never due to my own merit and when something goes wrong, it’s just another proof that, indeed, everything I do just sucks.

For a long time I thought that the way I’d solve all of my problems was choosing, trying to focus on something. Over time I’ve come to the conclusion that if I did that, I wouldn’t be me, that I am a combination of all the things that I like and that, also, the things that I like can be combined with each other. So if you feel like me and I can give you some piece of advice, that would be: search and accept your nature. You can't try to be something you're not, so if you're a crazy person who likes doing a thousand different things… Do them! Because trying to go against who you are is only going to make the situation worse. Stop comparing yourself to people who are not essentially like you and accept that each person has their own world, so find yours.

Another piece of advice I’d give you and that has helped me a lot (thanks to my stubbornness) is: no matter how hard it seems, get to the finish line. Try to remember why you started doing what you’re doing and even if sometimes you don't want to continue, or it seems impossible, don't leave halfway through. You may feel that you’ve failed, or that you have not achieved the result you were expecting, but for me, the feeling of not having even tried is much more disappointing, and it will only reaffirm your suspicions that "you are good for nothing", and we don't want that.

And since I'm using you as a diary, I'm going to tell you about my latest existential crisis (with a happy ending). Almost three years ago I bought a controller to DJ, because I’ve always loved making playlists, discovering new music, etc. and I thought wow, if I'm good at this and my friends like the music I play, imagine how cool it would be to DJ at a party or a rave and everyone is dancing to the music that you've chosen. So, I bought the controller, I watched four hundred tutorials and I started practicing at home. What happened? Since it didn't turn out perfectly (obviously, I was just starting out), my head automatically started saying: "Of course, you want to be good at everything when in reality you're not good at anything, I don't know who you think you are" What did I do? I put the controller in the box and didn't take it out again until a few months ago (terrible). So, last year, in October I got a small victory because I released my EP “RAICES”, the first thing I've done that I'm proud of and I still like it (almost entirely) after releasing it. I decided, together with the girls from El Piti de la Suerte, to do a presentation in Barcelona and since we were going to organize everything ourselves I wanted to take advantage of the fact that it was a safe space and do my first DJ set. Spoiler alert: It was horrible, I had a terrible time.

Right now, I thank Lola from the past for that wonderful idea, but at the time I regretted it very much. I don't know how many anxiety attacks I had and how many times I said to myself: Why did you decide to do this? Don't you have enough singing that you also want to DJ? Who do you think you are? And I cried a lot. I cried choosing the songs I wanted to play, I cried while rehearsing, I cried thinking about how ridiculous I was going to be and I almost vomited from anxiety before DJing and yes, I screwed up a lot while she was DJing, but I did it. People told me that it was very cool, that the flaws were not noticeable at all and that they had a great time. I didn't feel that way at all, but I did feel deep down that it was a first baby step. Also, people had fun, which is what this was all about in the end. 

After that, they invited me to DJ at an event, and I saw on Instagram that a DJ I've been following for a long time, Niki Lauda, ​​was going to teach online. So, I got carried away by the impulse of the moment before the impostor feelings hit and I decided to send her an email. Thanks to these classes, I did better on that second set. I've gained confidence and I’ve dared to search for my personality in the music I choose, something that I felt I had not managed to achieve the two times I played in front of people. As a result, two and a half years after buying the controller and 7 months after almost vomiting and having four hundred anxiety attacks from DJing, I have managed to upload my first set to soundcloud and I couldn't be more proud of myself. I know that it’s not perfect and I know there are things to improve and a thousand steps to take, but I’ve managed to surpass the limits that I set for myself and finish what I started two and a half years ago, so it’s one more victory against my negative self, since sometimes I feel like I'm my own worst enemy.

In conclusion to all this nonsense, the worst thing about always feeling like an imposter, is feeling that I don't want to feel that way, that I wish I could see myself the way others see me. I would like to listen to all the people who tell me that I should be proud of everything I achieve and who I am, and right now I am, so I try to focus on these small victories and keep improving one step at a time. The question is: When I get to the next fall, Will I be able to see it?